Chapter Nine - Fighting the Fire Dragon

Yet again, Princess Aura saves Flash from Certain Death - as he's battling the Orangopoid (make that the Sacred Orangopoid, as that's how they all refer to the Man in the Monkey Suit With A Horn), she whispers to the High Priest if there's any way of defeating it. He says, "Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but..." and Aura jumps into the pit, hands Flash a spear and points out the Orangopoid's achilles heel. The Orangopoid dies a really bad Comedy Death, wiggling his legs in the air, dying fly-style.

The make-up is pretty good - Flash actually looks as if he really has gone a few rounds with an Deadly (Sacred) Orangopoid - he has blood on his face and everything. Dale is pleased, although, if you ask me, Flash ought to be a little bit pissed off at her for not even trying to save him when Aura has saved him about six times now.

Ming is furious and realises there has been treachery in the room. He says that whoever told Aura the secret of the Orangopoid must be put to death. The High Priest goes, "D'oh!". Then Ming tells the High Priest to find out who it was - the High Priest goes, "Phew".

Vulcan reminds Ming that Flash can now claim a kingdom and a bride. Ming says, "The Arena of Death is hardly the place for a celebration" (he's got a point) and arranges a feast in his kingdom in three days' time.

Lion King leaves, having out-lived his usefulness. Bye-bye, Lion King.

Ming plots revenge. Zarkov spends all his time trying to contact earth with fancy radio waves. Unfortunately his message is a little vague - it says, "Hello? Zarkov! Doctor Zarkov speaking! From Mongo. The planet Mongo!" Dale says she doesn't trust Ming and Flash tells her not to be silly! Brains aren't really his strong suit.

Meanwhile, back on earth, all they can hear is static and people keep asking Professor Gordon (Flash's dad) what it all means. He's a serious chin-stroker of the first order and gives a long-winded explanation along the lines of "Someone is trying to contact us".

Ming orders the High Priest to dispose of Flash by any means necessary. Aura watches Flash and Dale canoodling and seethes with jealousy. The High Priest persuades her to slip Flash a forgetfulness drug before the Bride Choosing Ceremony.

Flash and Barin are hanging out in Flash's quarters. Aura's henchman arrives with "drinks from King Vulcan". Flash and Barin drink them. Aura shows up a few minutes later to find Flash and Barin looking distinctly post-coital, passed out together on some cushions. She takes Flash away.

Zarkov finds Barin alone and revives him. Barin says, "He was here...we were drinking wine...things got a little crazy..." Vulcan coincidentally shows up and denies all knowledge of the wine. They find a veil belonging to Aura and realise what's going on.

The High Priest, Aura and her men are carrying a still unconscious Flash through the Tunnel of Terror (from episode two). Zarkov, Dale, Vulcan and Barin give chase (even though, bizarrely, Zarkov doesn't want to, as it's too dangerous).

In the Tunnel of Terror, Flash revives and Aura gives him the Drug of Forgetfulness.

The High Priest points towards the Fire Dragon's lair and says he'll be sleeping at that hour and only the gong can wake him. However, as soon as Aura and Flash enter the Dragon's lair, he strikes the gong and the Dragon wakes! (It's the same Man In Monster Suit With Dragon's Head and Lobster Claws as before). Dale, Vultan, Zarkov and Barin arrive just in time to see the dragon breathe fire at Flash and Aura...

Chapter Eight - Tournament of Death

Bit of a pathetic cliff-hanger, really, as Flash makes it over the wall after all. Or rather, he still doesn't, but is unharmed anyway.

In the Smoke And Confusion, Flash, Lion King and Barin escape. Flash -who, I'm starting to notice, runs like a girl- dashes over to Ming and points a spear at him. Then Dale runs over to join Flash and momentarily distracts him and he gets captured again. (I had to watch this twice - both times it really looks as if Dale is actually fighting Flash to protect Ming, as she seems to be holding back his arm).

Flash and Lion King (who looks like Ben Gunn when he's not in his armour) are sentenced to Death By Firing Squad. However, the City is getting increasingly shaky and Zarkov says he needs the City Shake-o-meter to reach Zero before he can help. The Shake-o-meter is intercut with the firing squad's 'Ready...Aim...' until the City shakes so much that they all miss and Flash and Lion King escape again.

In a scene that is almost exactly the same as the last time they did this (although, weirdly, they did bother to film it twice), Flash runs into Vulcan's chamber again -careful to avoid Dale this time- and threatens Ming again. Zarkov shows up and says that he can save the city but that Vulcan has to promise to release Flash and his friends. They all follow Zarkov into his lab, he throws a switch and the city is saved. Vulcan says they are all free to go.

Ming doesn't like this, however, and says that Flash has to enter The Tournament of Death. Flash, stupidly, agrees. Barin's ears prick up and he reminds Ming that the prize of 'A Kingdom of his own and the bride of his choice' also applies to anyone else who enters the contest.

Flash is taken away to prepare for the fight. He's told he'll be fighting 'The Masked Swordsman of Mongo'...

The swordfight is surprisingly good and goes on for 2 minutes 45 seconds, intercut with lots of reaction shots, including some rubbish ones from Dale. I can't swear to it, but it looks like Aura has changed into an even skimpier outfit.

Barin isn't among the spectators. Also, The Masked Swordsman is suspiciously chubby. So when Flash unmasks him it comes as a surprise to precisely no-one that it is -gasp!- Prince Barin! He tells Flash he was 'forced' into it. Yeah, right, Barin.

Ming tells Flash 'Congratulations - you now get to enter the Second Round: The Other Tournament of Death!' Flash laughs and says, "Bring it on, Ming-baby".

Barin comes to Flash's quarters to apologise. He says, "I was hoping to wound you sufficiently for Ming to declare me the winner, or that you'd kill me". Flash isn't bothered at all, even though Barin's basically a bit of a freak. He asks Barin why he hoped Flash would kill him and Barin says, "Because I'm in love with Princess Aura" and stomps off in a petulant strop. Flash later tells Zarkov that Barin has given him a "sufficient explanation" for his treachery.

Anyway, the second round arrives. Flash has to fight a giant "Orangopoid" - basically a man in a monkey suit, only with a single horn on its head.

The fight is actually pretty good and Flash gets suitably bashed up. Eventually the creature lands on Flash and looks as if it is about to eat his face. Dale screams, badly.

Chapter Seven - Shattering Doom

Christ knows why this episode is called 'Shattering Doom'. 'Shatnering Doom' would be more accurate. Also, it turns out it's actually King Vultan not Vulcan, though I'm going to keep calling him Vulcan.

Anyway, Dale screams and faints again as she sees Flash in the Electro-Torture Device. King Vulcan doesn't mind as she lands in his arms in such a way that he can cop a sly feel of her breast. Princess Aura bursts in and orders Flash's release - Vulcan orders his men to take him to Zarkov's lab so that he can be revived. Actually, I'm surprised Flash and Dale haven't turned on Zarkov by now - every time they get captured, Flash gets tortured / beaten / thrown into a death trap / forced to fight to the death and Dale gets sentenced to marriage, but all they ever do to Zarkov is make him work in a laboratory - which is what he loves anyway! Anyway, as Flash and Aura arrive he appears to have found a new way of making the city float, using a ping-pong ball and a hair-dryer.

Aura and Zarkov revive Flash using what looks like a CAT scan machine. As soon as Flash comes to he says -ha ha!- "Where's Dale?"

Aura looks really, really pissed off this time. She tries to persuade him that Dale doesn't care about him, but he's not having any of it and basically says, "I'm from Earth, baby - I don't do Space Chicks. You must have me confused with Captain Kirk". Aura is upset and Flash doesn't care at all - and she's already saved his life about 3 times! Tsk.

Meanwhile, Vulcan is still trying to woo Dale, or at least cheer her up. He even tries -and I swear I'm not making this up- Shadow Puppets!

But even his masterly recreation of "dog" and "rabbit" can't make Dale smile again.

Ming and his army show up and Ming demands that Vulcan return Dale and Aura to him, but Vulcan just laughs. Dale and Aura sit at Vulcan's side on his throne, which in Hayes Code code means they are, like, totally his bitches.

Anyway, Flash gets thrown back in the Radium Furnace for more semi-naked sweaty whipping action. Barin is still down there loving every minute of it.

The guards get Zarkov to attach a device to Flash's wrist whereby he'll be instantly electrocuted if he tries to escape. Flash has a Cunning Plan - he attaches the device to a spade and tells all the prisoners to dive behind a lead wall on his signal. Sure enough, he tosses the spade into the furnace and there's a huge explosion - but Flash doesn't make it behind the wall in time!

Chapter Six - Flaming Torture

And 'flaming' is right. King Vulcan laughs his hearty laugh and sends both Flash and Prince Barin to the Radium furnaces. Minus their shirts.

This is the most homoerotic scene so far - Flash sweating and glistening and everyone getting whipped by the Hawkmen as they work, feeding the fires that keep the city in the air (or something). Prince Barin likes it so much he actually stops Flash from revolting.

Meanwhile, Princess Aura convinces Dale that she must "pretend to love" King Vulcan in order to save Flash. Dale (who, I'm starting to realise, is an atrocious actress - no wonder she got replaced before the next one) pulls a "Hmmmmm"-type face (which, if I were on Mystery Science Theatre, I would score with the theme from Jeopardy) and then goes, "Okay".

But her heart isn't in it. At a banquet, King Vulcan keeps trying to feed her huge chunks of meat (geddit?) but she's not having any of it. Aura tells him that Dale loves him and he decides to prove it. He takes her to see Flash in the furnace and she faints as Flash gets whipped. It has to be said, the Hawkmen aren't really into the whipping - they whip the way I throw (i.e. badly).

Flash rebels around about that point and Vulcan has him thrown into some sort of bizarre torture machine called The Static Room that seems to be part electric shocks, part fiery pit. Anyway, that's the cliff-hanger - Dale screams, Flash crackles a bit.

Also, Zarkov looks completely ridiculous in his skimpy shorts and jumper get-up. Put some trousers on, man!

Chapter Five - The Destroying Ray

Ming saves The Shark City by activating some sort of ray that lifts the city into the air. The water drains out of it and Flash etc are saved. Hurrah. More Damp Dale action, plus there's a bit where Flash blatantly gropes her breasts as he's "rescuing" her.

Prince Barin shows up, looking like an extremely camp Belgian (chunky, moustache). He persuades Zarkov that he's the rightful ruler of Mongo. Zarkov seems to accept this without question. They go off to rescue Flash and Dale.


As they're leaving the city, Flash, Dale, Aura and Lion King are attacked...by Hawk Men! Dale gets captured again, along with Lion King.


Barin and Zarkov arrive in time to save Flash and Aura from the Hawk Men. They fly towards King Vulcan's City In The Sky (just how many animal-related kingdoms and kings does Mongo have, anyway?), but as they get closer, Vulcan orders his men to fire The Deadly Melting Ray! The ship takes a hit and starts to fall.
Meanwhile, Dale is about to get married again. King Vulcan looks like Brian Blessed gone very much to seed. He giggles a lot. Dale runs to the other side of the bedroom (nice escape plan, Dale) and Vulcan releases...his pet bear! ("Ursulo"). The bear has weird stripes, as if it really wanted to be a zebra. But Vulcan is only having a laugh - he sends the bear away and slaps its arse as it leaves. Then he makes a disturbing Lust Face and advances on Dale...

Chapter Four - Battling the Sea Beast

Flash has a really crap fight with the Octo-sac that even Ed Wood would be ashamed of.
Aura arrives just in time and saves him. Dale, useless.

As soon as Aura saves Flash he says "Where's Dale?!" and this really pisses her off (see picture), so when he's not looking, she destroys the 'air and water controls' on the underwater city, dooming them all...er...including herself. The water rushes into the city - Dale screams.
Note Shatner-style "obviously not Flash" stuntman.